WHAT MAKES ROOTS & WINGS DIFFERENT?

Every early childhood program wants to stand out as an exceptional program and Roots & Wings is no different. Rather than trying to compare apples to oranges we chose rather to explain what we are, and, what we are not and let the reader use their own judgment. We hope that if you are searching for a program that you do set up a time to come and visit. Words do not always capture the emotional impact of a first-hand visit and tends to clarify any concerns and questions. We encourage you to bring your child along. Their impressions will be valuable.

Roots & Wings Child Development is a non-profit early childhood program serving children ages 3-5 with an occasional 6 year old. Non-profit simply means that we have jumped through a few hoops that allow us to seek funding from different sources to help support the school. We must still meet the same financial obligations as other businesses do. We are able to offer tuition assistance, provide on-going staff development and training, and find assistance with certain projects. We also work with different agencies around town helping to serve different populations of children.

Roots & Wings was founded over 13 years ago in the Rogue Valley by a group of concerned parents looking for a quality early childhood classroom experience. The philosophy is based on decades of research and evidence regarding how children grow and develop understanding by making important connections socially, emotionally and intellectually. Rebecca Tree, the founding Director, has over 20 years in the early childhood field with a bachelor’s degree specific to early childhood education. She is dedicated to providing a well-rounded school experience for young children.

Roots & Wings is not driven by current educational trends or political pressure which leads many preschool programs to abandon what they know about very young children and utilize unproven and unchallenged methods and materials. Many of these ‘new’ educational systems appear colorful and fun initially but are nothing more than teacher-directed, performance oriented activities that do nothing to engage the child to think or make any meaningful connections. Although these trends are defended by well-meaning individuals whose intention it is to prepare children for the future, their reasoning is deplete of the deeper understanding of how young children grow and learn. Our nation has become pre-occupied with the future at the expense of children in the present. Roots & Wings is dedicated with ‘staying the course’ of what we know and understand to be good and healthy for young, developing children. Our staff is continually reflecting and learning on their own and as a team as to what is best for ’our kids’ looking at each child individually and as a social being. Our humanistic approach honors and respects this very important time in a young child’s life.

We understand that young children, especially between the ages of 2-8, are motivated in a very unique way to explore and discover. At this age children are full of wonder and curiosity. They seem to get into everything, ask a billion questions, and always want to know ‘why’. There is a very good reason…they are wired to do that! It can be quite maddening for adults whose brains have matured and often cannot remember being that young. The curriculum, the classroom and outside environment, must reflect this difference. It must reflect back to the child that it is OK to explore, to ask a billion questions, to be actively engaged in activities that provide information and experiences to reflect on. When we coerce children to learn something, the element of interest is stolen from them and they will not make the effort to pursue knowledge on their own. Children are naturally motivated learners who, when supported by understanding adults in a carefully planned environment, will take every opportunity to figure things out on their own, build competence, and pursue their own interests and curiosities. We must provide for them the basics which are; Wonder, Discovery, and Connections (human and environmental).

It may surprise you that we do not express the basics as Reading, Writing and Arithmetic. Well, somewhere a long time ago someone made up a song about “ ‘readin’, writin’, and ‘rithmetic’ “ and I guess everyone thought that was the truth. But it was just a song! Those are the by-products of having been immersed in the basics of wonder, discovery and connections at the appropriate time in one’s development. Reading, writing and arithmetic are not the basics for a young child, especially before 7-8 years old, and especially if the instruction is teacher-directed and authoritarian. In the early years, children are in one of the most creative stages that they will ever be in…ever. It is at this stage, before age 8, that they will draw, sing, make up stories, move in lively and animated ways, and want to try new things uninhibited. If children have access to meaningful experiences then literacy skills, number skills and the discovery of the world of nature and of ones self emerge, but only if they have had access to an environment and supportive adults that encourage self-initiated exploration and develops a foundation for life-long learning.

We do not argue that children can learn high-level, performance based academic skills at a young age as is currently being stressed in many programs. However, evidence and research continues to shown us that this is not the time for this level of instruction. Roots & Wings develops its curriculum and prepares its environment in a careful manner that supports young children by providing activities, materials and tools that children can first, make choices over, determine their own creation, and find great satisfaction in their personal efforts. The curriculum which is developed because of the children, not in spite of the children builds awareness of literacy, number and science, and human relationships.

The Roots & Wings staff is dedicated to integrating our knowledge and experience into our classroom practice with children and professional development. By doing so we hope to provide children, first, the respect they deserve, and second, worthwhile experiences that provide meaning, self-awareness, and a foundation to build upon throughout their lives.

As this generation of children take their place as community leaders, they will at some time, and I hope they will, look over the landscape of their lives. How many will find themselves dissatisfied or without direction, because they were never allowed as children to pursue their dreams, interests and individual talents. I wonder. I truly, truly wonder.

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EDUCATION AND YOUNG CHILDREN

Knowing that young children are uniquely different in the way they learn, take in and process information, it is the responsibility of every early childhood professional and every early childhood program to develop their curriculum and classroom environment based on that understanding. Political trends and educational fads that use unproven methods and inappropriate assessments that push children into academics before they are developmentally and intellectually prepared have no place in early childhood settings.

The philosophy of Roots & Wings Child Development is simple and uses good judgment that integrates research in brain development, child development and human development. Our philosophy recognizes that development varies from child to child, and is wide-ranging based on age, gender, life-experiences, and family culture.

Our goals for ourselves as teachers is to create a school environment that supports each child as they learn who they are, what they can become, and help them discover truth and knowledge. As we grow and develop these qualities we can then become valuable contributors to our communities.

Children are born with a tremendous sense of wonder and curiosity. This wonder and curiosity motivates children to learn more and more over time. It is essential that they have appropriate experiences with adult support.

Children are ego-centric which means that they simply cannot see another’s point of view. This does not mean they are selfish. It is a necessary stage in which the young child must first learn to understand and value themselves first before they can do the same for the rest of the human family and the environment. They must have many opportunities to connect and interact with others and well as the environment.

Therefore, Roots & Wings Community Preschool supports young children and the foundation to all learning which is:

WONDER, DISCOVERY AND CONNECTIONS

The classroom and outdoor environment at Roots & Wings is rich in opportunities for children to interact, build connections and awareness in Art, Science, Literacy, Numeric Understanding, Social Experiences, and Appreciation for Nature, Language Development, Music and Movement, using what children already do and know best…PLAY. Visit our school to see how, when given the freedom to explore and wonder, children uncover knowledge in a carefully planned environment.

Roots & Wings Child Development respects families as a child’s first teacher and encourages your involvement. There is a multitude of ways that you may assist inside and outside the classroom. We are non-profit and need everyone’s help. Your participation in your child’s education is of even greater importance than we can ever express. It carries over into their entire school career and adult life. We offer information and workshops that we hope will assist you along the way.

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WHAT DO KIDS NEED?
3/2008

As I sat reading the paper and thinking about what to write for this issue my eyes caught hold of the story regarding the recent drive-by shooting here in Medford. Yes, I can do two things at the same time. I believe the terminology is MOM. Well, that just about did it for me. I’ve known about local gang activity for quite some time. But this is Medford for pity sake. Not LA or Chicago or some other place in the world that is synonymous with this kind of violence. A great, great sense of loss and sadness came over me.

What drives kids towards this kind of behavior? I am not an expert on juvenile crime but this much I know, kids join gangs because they need to belong somewhere. All of us have this basic need---to belong. Studies point to this over and over again. Not when we’re two, or ten, but at the moment of birth. And it’s about a twenty-year process.

When we are born, typically it is into a loving family that has been anticipating our arrival. Think for a moment how it feels knowing that someone, somewhere, be it a close friend or relative, has been eagerly anticipating your arrival. A sense of belonging connects us to others. We know who we are and whose we are. We become confident, hopeful, and full of dreams. We can see possibilities. We can see our own potential and the potential in others as well. Kids who are well grounded are able to develop meaningful and fulfilling friendships, find mentors to emulate, and gain knowledge and wisdom from life’s challenges and experiences.

We cannot teach self-esteem. Sorry. I don’t care how many times you say ‘good job’ per day or how many stickers you hand out. These outward reinforcements have been challenged and do not build a strong self-concept. Self-esteem is built from the inside, out. Not the other way around. Self-esteem is built based on our own perceptions of how the environment treats us. Stickers and empty phrases may control behaviors but do little to develop a sense of who we are over the long term. When we are young those that are closest to us act as social mirrors, we watch how they interact with the environment and with those around them. In turn, we express our self-concept in the way we interact with others and our surroundings. A child’s first attachment to loving and significant people is vital and cannot be stressed enough. That is the true basis of self-esteem, knowing who is there, not to rescue us, but be close by as we experience all of life’s emotions, inspiring us and modeling for us, being our trusted companions. As parents this is a lifetime calling. For a community it is our responsibility to provide continuing moral guidance and leadership for children through all of their various stages. Our conscience does not simply land on us when we are born. We learn it through experience, interactions, and human connections.

Too many kids are fending for themselves without the advantage of a moral compass. I’m not certain if the word ‘moral’ is socially acceptable these days or not. Oh well, too bad. We need to stop apologizing and making excuses because someone may get their feelings hurt. Our communities are littered with too many children who are morally impoverished because of delinquent parents, fractured family units, and an entertainment industry that could care less about moral codes and how these messages get handed down to our next generation who, by the way, is our investment to the future social health and well-being of our nation. Instead of connecting to real people who overcome real life tribulations, our children are connecting to heroes and role models that live in 6-minute segments with 4-5 commercials in between.

Too many kids go home to an empty house without any kind of check-in system in place. They do not know when their people will arrive or what to expect when they do. There are no expectations of them or accountability for how they spend their time. They don’t know when or if a meal will be prepared or are left to figure it out on their own. Some studies have expressed that many kids don’t even have a place to sit at the dinner table if there is a dinner table or dining ‘place’ at all. Isn’t that just a simple and basic thing? Too know where your place is at the family table? Poverty, single parents, grandparents raising grandchildren, etc. all factor in but are we using these as excuses in order to justify our own inability to face the fact that we are failing our children. I struggle with the entire notion of ‘it takes a village’, etc. Children need to connect to a family first before they can ever connect to the outer world. Families are the basic unit and back bone to any community. First things first. There are many pieces to the puzzle. The village is a part but not the whole not to mention that there are aspects of the village that families must constantly be alert too. Again---kids need to know where they belong.

Robert Coles, in his book titled, “The Moral Intelligence of Children” asks,

“Where are the grown-ups in our life upon whom we can really rely, whom we can trust, whose values are believable, desirable, because they have been given us out of the shared experience, moment to moment, of a life together? Where is a moral companionship that has been experienced-a daily context for the expressed shoulds and should-nots, the injunctions that have been pressed on us? “

Why, for some kids, is staying out of trouble a full time job? I guess it’s pretty hard to see your own potential when you are uncertain about your own existence. It is reasonable for all of us to be alarmed if not angry. We are all victims of someone else’s poor decisions. Parents, even our youth, relatives, community citizens, our nation and law enforcement-all should worry and for good reason. Until we make it better it isn’t going to get any better. We all bungle it occasionally along the way. Mistakes and learning about restitution are a part of growing up. Some lessons are learned by what I call ‘the 2X4 method’. I have had a few of those lessons myself.

So, back to the shooting. I am trying to be understanding, but my stomach just churns at the thought that kids see nothing valuable in their lives or in the lives of others. In fact, I’m really ticked that it happened at all. The first question that went through my mind was, “Where in the heck were these kids parents’?! “What were they doing out at that hour on a school night? “And where on earth did they get the gun?!” Call me old fashioned if you will.

I have a dear colleague and mentor. Her name is Bev Bos. She is the Director of a preschool program in Roseville, California. Many years ago she said, “Kids need our presence, not our presents.”

Well said Bev, well said.
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MEASURING SUCCESS

2/2009

Each September our preschool holds a Parent Orientation meeting for new parents. One of the first questions I ask is this, “What are your hopes and dreams for your child(ren)?” Not surprisingly, year after year, the answers are reflective and unrelated to money, position or title. Answers include; Be Happy, Confident, Healthy, Productive, Well-Traveled, Problem Solver, Accept Others, Curious, Self-sufficient, Loved/Loving, Learn from Others. Any combination of these qualities could indeed qualify any individual as successful. We all desire for our children to become skillful and independent over time. The journey to ‘there’ is commonly known as LIFE.

It is recognized that today’s parents deal with many social pressures regarding child rearing and education. The boss, the neighbor, our own relatives may have other ideas regarding what children need. Ingenious marketing for ‘educational toys’ and other dubious trends challenges our confidence and common sense as parents, competing for living space and resources.

Parents worry over the possibility that their child will struggle and fail. What began over 20 years ago, as a misguided introduction to earlier and inappropriate academic learning for young children has now intensified into a competition to create super kids supported by industries who reap huge financial benefits and school systems that are now mandated to prove their salt through accountability scores. We have silenced the voices of reason as well as our own insightfulness and understanding of what makes accomplished and successful human beings and community partners.

What children need is time. They need time to tinker with their own ideas and with real toys that are unscripted by TV or computer games. I’m not a media ogre. We have two TV’s in our home, not in the bedrooms, by the way. Electronic media is a fairly new phenomenon in our culture and needs to be governed with wisdom. We need to remind ourselves that WE are the grown-ups in our children’s lives and make every effort to keep these and other competitive intrusions from over taking our daily lives and productivity. Parents are also well advised by established professionals that work with children to be wary of those with questionable credentials who stand to profit from their endorsement of products or programs.

Children need time to be with other children over a span of several years in order to understand the give and take of true friendship. These skills develop with experience and maturity and help us determine what kind of people to let into our lives and call friend.

Children need time with their loved ones to learn the joys and challenges of everyday living. Research tells us again and again, that infants and young children thrive in a supportive, non-pressured environment where they can acquire a strong sense of security, a sense of who they are, and an enthusiasm for learning and other life skills. The results of hurrying (and herding) children into their adult life, has resulted in burn out, stress, and the lack of coping skills. Not to knock my own profession but we are the only species on the face of the planet that put large numbers of 2, 3, and 4 year olds in a room for ridiculously long periods of time and expect them to get along and then excel.

Success and risk-taking are companions. Developing a healthy sense of risk taking is essential. Note that there is a difference between risk taking and being reckless. Children who have had permission to explore ideas and try things out for themselves are typically better adjusted, and more successful academically and socially than peers who have been heavily scheduled with enrichment activities by well-meaning but misinformed grown-ups. Making friends, riding a bike, learning to read, all require the ability to risk ones emotional, physical and intellectual welfare for something personally meaningful.

Children feel success by what they can accomplish and produce, not by meaningless praise using trite and over used phrases. Contrary to the praise movement of the ‘70’s these expressions do not build self-esteem. They create competition, jealousy, and dependency, and are without any relevancy to the child. Becoming dependent on continual feedback from others is replacing what a child should be developing in the way of a sense of community, belonging and social understanding. So the next time your child attempts to make their bed by themselves, tell them, “Thank you”. Encouragement and gratitude are different from praise.

We all need to risk a little bit every day. It’s healthy. To grow wise and fulfilled we must risk intellectually, socially, emotionally, physically, and spiritually, living life fully and with purpose. Children risk, fail, succeed, and little by little build skills and rejoice. Little by little they become their own barometer of success. They risk because they feel good about themselves and know that they are encouraged and supported by significant people in their lives. Sometimes we must stand back and ask ourselves, “Is the world going to end if I let my child do this?” Children want to learn, but in order to do that they need to put themselves out there again and again in spite of the stuff that doesn’t go so well. We cannot rescue our children from bad days, and we shouldn’t. Rescuing and being supportive and encouraging are different. Remember that. We can show them that in spite of bad days the risk is worthwhile and success is measured in how many times we failed but stood up and carried on.

While living in Colorado, years ago, we owned a small tri-level home with the bedrooms on the upper level. One day I heard my husband laughing from the boys’ bedroom and calling for me to come upstairs. I joined him in the bedroom where he pointed out the window. There, at exactly eye level, were our two boys, then ages 5 and 8, waving at me from a very tall pine tree! (“Hi, mom!”). I was petrified. My husband very gently placed his arm around me and said, “Honey, just smile and wave. You don’t want to scare them now do you?” I clenched my teeth, smiled and while presenting my best parade wave said, “Now what do we do?” He just laughed. The boys descended artfully and were fine.

As our children take necessary risks while growing and developing life skills, and moving towards their dreams and successes they will likely scare the occasional poop out of us. But sometimes we just have to smile and wave.
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CLOSE TO THE HEART(H)

4/2008

I’m one of those mothers that cry on her child’s first day of school, every year. I make no apologies. I’ve been doing it for years and now feel that it should be a condition acknowledged in the medical field. I think the label of ‘cry-baby’ is unfitting of someone that has spent over 20 years investing in their children. When the boys were in junior high they jointly informed me that I could no longer walk them to school on the first day. I embarrassed them too much. So I stayed behind waving on the porch…and cried. It’s my right. I also cried when they got their driver’s licenses, for many reasons, when they began dating, graduated from high school and when they moved out. You should have seen me when our oldest enlisted in the Air Force. Not a pretty picture.

I did not start out my mothering career even imagining that I would become a big cry-baby when it came to my children. Never. I have friends who throw parties when their kids move out. I throw a wake. I gaze through family photos remembering each important stage. Please don’t misunderstand, our sons do very well being on their own, they’re extremely well adjusted. They cook, clean, pay bills and are learning to handle life’s challenges. Even our12 year old daughter is quite independent and trustworthy. The matter of mom being a crybaby, though, is the point of many discussions when we are together or talking over the phone. My only answer is, “Just wait, your time is coming.” I believe I come from a long line of closet crybabies. No one has openly admitted to this condition, only made vague references here and there between muffled whimpers.

Kids go through a stage where they don’t want you to touch them, look at them or stand anywhere in the proximity of say, the State of Kansas. We embarrass them. This usually happens sometime between, still thinking there is a money tree growing in the front yard, and realizing what, “Go get a job” really means. There were times when my boys would say, “Mom, stop it.” Stop what? As hard as I tried to be discreet around their friends it never seemed to be quite what they had in mind. Does the word ‘lamppost’ draw some sort of picture in your imagination? Those were the days when I paid them 25 cents just for a hug. Brings tears to your eyes, doesn’t it?

Last night I took our 24 year-old son ‘school shopping’. (It’s July 3. I’m writing this now to make the deadline for the August back to school issue). Over the past 6 months Andrew has had an epiphany that going to college could be in his best interest. We haven’t shopped together in I can’t tell you how long. So he has quit his job, given notice to his roommate, and is now sorting and boxing up his belongs in preparation. He leaves in two days for Pasadena to a two-year college where he will pursue his passion for football and (I hope) a business degree. In the meantime, I am sitting here with a bottle of water, a box of Kleenex and gnawing on celery sticks that I wish would turn into Dagoba’s finest trying not to cry and trying to somehow share this experience with you. Not a pretty picture. I miss him already. And he knows what is coming. Andrew experienced the whole goodbye scene 8 years ago as we drove to Portland to see his older brother Mike inducted. Not a pretty picture.

Through the years I have watched my children grow, mature, come to grips with many difficulties. We have scads of memories that we share and many more to create. Someone once said that memories sustain us through our difficulties. I truly believe that. When Mike was in boot camp, oh, the letters I received were enough to break your heart. Suddenly I became the best mom and the smartest (finally!). That was Mike’s epiphany. His heart grew towards us when he left which is typically the case. He later told me that it was his own memories that sustained him and gave him the strength and courage to push himself beyond where he ever thought he could go.

Our family memories are much like yours and yet uniquely ours. Our family has had its share of joys and challenges just like you; floods, welcoming a new baby, learning to in-line skate, moving, loosing a child, visiting grandma and grandpa, graduations, employment challenges, running through the sprinkler, etc. As these events weave themselves in and out of our lives our children are there with us. They look to us for the security that tells them that, in spite of challenges, life is still worth living and joy is not that far away. They become us. Wisdom comes to them when they are away from us and they get to ‘do life’ for themselves. To my knowledge there is really no other way for our children to grow wise.

July 5, 2008

I held my son and he held me. We said our very teary goodbyes and let go, me to continue my journey towards wisdom and he to journey towards his own wisdom. My summer is just barely beginning. We leave on a family vacation in the next few days. Mike will meet us in Michigan to visit with family members that we have not seen in 4-5 years. Andrew will not be able to go. It’s been over a year since I have seen my oldest son and at least 7 years since he has visited his grandparents. I look forward to seeing my dad now in his mid-80’and my brothers. While there we will visit the gravesite of my stepson who died 13 years ago. We will hold each other and we will cry. It has been a long time since I paused, reflected, and grieved about Ricky deeply, although he is always close to my heart. Why do I share this with you?

Well, the other day I noticed ‘Back to School’ sale signs in some storefronts (remember at this writing its still early July). I know that in some states school begins as early as August 4 (Arizona) because their summer begins in mid-May. I understand that stores need to get a jump on things but frankly I don’t want to think about that right now. I want to have the freedom NOT to think about back to school and take pleasure in this precious and short time with my family. By mid-August my daughter will have grown out of everything she owns and will be tutoring me on next years styles soon enough. But for now, I want to push away the thought of the first day of school, when I dutifully relinquish my child to her own experiences and life lessons. To all you crybaby moms, and dads, and I know you’re out there; take all the liberty you need and hold on to your kids just a bit longer. The memories will sustain you …and them. Even if it costs you an extra 25 cents, it’s worth it.
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GIFTS FROM MY CHILDREN

12/2008

I will soon unpack our holiday decorations and among them will be those all made with eager hands by our children over the years. My sweet husband and I will once again place them among the other seasonal trimmings. Many times memories win over practicality. There is the clothespin reindeer, the toilet paper roll Santa and the construction paper tree with the ‘stained glass’ waxed paper center. The kitchen towels, bubble bath and socks that seem to be the mainstream of their gift giving ideas have all past on to greater glory down the drain or simply worn away with time.

Aside from all the glued and painted ornaments that have a strange hold in my memory and in my heart, the gifts that I hold dearest are the ones wrapped warmly in the dispositions and personalities of my own children. These gifts are priceless and reach into places not seen but only felt, not touched but experienced. These are the gifts that our children bring with them when they are born. Each one of my children possesses such a gift and fortunate am I to be the receiver.

While the holiday season tends to overflow with activities and commitments, my wish is that you may find time to reflect on the gifts brought into your lives by your own children. As I have journeyed with each of my children they have exposed the best and worst of my most inner self. They have provided me with every reason to wrestle with my own deficiencies as a parent and imperfections as a mortal and work to become better than I could ever hope to be. I am a better person because of my children. The personal insight and wisdom, although still short of the mark, is because of the relationship I have with my children.

In my imagination, I believe that before birth, amidst a great gathering each child chooses who will best serve as his or her mother. The gifts my children have brought to me, embodied within their unique temperaments, have provided life lessons that continue to shape me as a mother and human being.

Michael came first and frankly I was inexperienced and naive. Mike’s birth was difficult; well past his due date, and a fight getting him ‘down the chute’ so to speak. From early on I sensed a level of uncertainty about him. He was colicky and didn’t want to gain weight. His struggles in school did not clinically reveal themselves until his junior year. We often cried together. Many times I didn’t know what to do. There were times I stopped returning calls from yet another frustrated teacher. It’s funny (sort of), but this is the same kid that eventually tested borderline gifted and talented. With a few modifications (and special lenses to help his eyes ‘team’) Mike ended up doing quite well. But it was tough. Mike gave me the gift of UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. When he graduated from high school I sat in the school bleachers and wept in my sister’s arms. He is 27 and serves in the Air Force.

Andrew came roaring into this life and ready for just about anything. Even now when he makes up his mind there really isn’t much you can do except run along side of him shouting advice along the way. He will not slow down until he trips over his own feet, runs into something, or looses his wallet. He is goal oriented, decisive and has a healthy sense of risk taking. The athlete from day one (try changing diapers on a kid that scoots, twists, turns, juts and rolls every which way), he is a team player and motivator. So many times as he was growing up I heard, “Mom, I just want to do this. Just let me try.” Because of Andrew I began to listen with my heart, not just my ears. Andrew gave me the gift of TRUST. After trying to seek his fortune within the first few years of high school graduation he has decided to give college a try. He lives in California.

Ricky: Ricky died in 1992 at age 19. It was the greatest tragedy that I have ever had to deal with. Ricky had recently moved back to Michigan to be near his mother. His maternal grandmother had been diagnosed with cancer and he felt that he should be closer. Ricky had lived with us for a few years where he developed an especially close relationship with our sons. In that time we also experienced what many describe as ‘those difficult teen years’. In those last months I discovered a young man who was quietly coming to terms with life’s challenges and difficulties. He was going to make it and all would eventually be well. Over the years I have found my PEACE with our then rocky relationship. Had he lived we would have made our own PEACE together. I value time differently now. I am more aware of what I turn myself over to with worry and fretting, although I still do quite a bit of that. Some things we have no control over. We must be reassured that with perseverance and patience, these moments in time eventually sort themselves out, or a way is provided so that our efforts become meaningful and make a difference. Ricky gave me the gift of PEACE.

I was 42 when our daughter Cora was born. From the beginning she endowed us with vitality that had vanished with Ricky’s death. Mike and Andrew were enthralled by her presence and by her ‘girly-ness’, something they were unaccustomed to. Even her daddy had to do some readjusting. Cora has provided our home with an unexpected sweetness. Now in our mid-50’s my husband and I have yet to attain the revered title of ‘empty nester’ like many of our friends. Rather, we attend volleyball and basketball games, mother-daughter and daddy-daughter activities, school conferences and of course--- the Mall. Any thought of retirement has been put on the back burner and will most likely stay there for quite some time. Cora has given me the gift of LAUGHTER. Not the giggly type. No. It’s the ‘come up from your toes, race along your spine, and spill from the gut’ kind. She is quick witted, as well as gentle and compassionate. Cora is now 12 and attends middle school.

Our children are with us for a short time. Childhood is short. Adult hood is so much longer and filled with challenges and joy. Our children present to us many gifts in addition to unconditional love, trust, peace and many, many reasons to laugh…and cry. They wish for us to be there for them and hold their hands as long as needed until they can venture out on their own and take up their own causes and lives. Memories that are created within family experiences fuse themselves into our hearts and minds forever. In those memories lies the wisdom that makes us better mothers, fathers, and human beings.

“There is real value in simply being present, for our children. For when we claim the realm of motherhood, we also protect and honor the province of childhood.”

Katrina Kenison from MITTEN STRINGS FOR GOD: REFLECTIONS FOR MOTHERS IN A HURRY
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Literacy: It’s More than Reading

9/2008

There is nothing that seems to strike more fear into the hearts of parents and families these days than the possibility that their child may struggle at reading. This fear is driving too many parents to fall prey in placing their trust in unproven methods that promise to enhance and build skills in their young children. Impressive seals of approval may back such products. However, a seal of approval is not the same as hard scientific evidence backed by studies relevant to young children and their development. Even grown ups are victims of peer pressure and marketing schemes. For generations children have learned to read and write on the laps of their parents and caregivers and by hearing and using language without pressure or using trendy toys with exaggerated promises.

For our purpose, literacy is the ability to communicate through the written and spoken word in a meaningful way. Literacy is not just reading or just writing. It is a combination of both. Several reading specialists in documented works refer to critical literacy, the ability to read and write as a critical thinker, to be the most important and most desirable form of literacy achievement. Critical literacy involves asking thoughtful questions about what one reads and writes, and understanding and using information resources wisely. Even with formal education not everyone rises to this level of literacy development.

The first symbol system a child learns to recognize and use is her or his own language. Early literacy skills develop by first, hearing others speak, experimenting with sounds (babbling), and finally saying real words. Every language has its own intricate rhythm and beat. It is vital that children be sung to, spoken to, and played with using word games and finger plays. Childhood rhymes like Pat-a-Cake, This Little Piggy, are essential for a child to develop speech patterns. I am concerned at how seldom I see parents using rhymes and finger plays with their children. Babies watch and imitate sounds and facial expressions as they learn to talk. From the work of Barry Sanders, A is for OX: The Collapse of Literacy and the Rise of Violence in an Electronic Age, Sanders describes language as a discourse between persons and features language and the art of oral discourse as a prerequisite to literacy. Says Sanders, “Orality supports literacy, and provides the impetus for shaping it. The skills one learns in orality are crucial because literacy is more than a series of words on paper. It is a set of relationships and structures, …A person’s success in orality determines whether he or she will ‘take’ to literacy….The human voice…sounds the way to literacy.” In other words children need to talk and have real conversations with real people.

The single most important activity parents can do with their child, outside of talking, is read to them. Reading aloud to children helps build understanding that there are other symbols that can be used to communicate ideas. These patterns or marks are later understood as letters that carry special meaning along with pictures in a book. I have never met a young child that was not intrigued with books and that did not enjoy being read to. Why some of these same children grow later to hate reading is anyone’s guess. My belief is that somewhere the joy of reading was somehow taken from them by introducing formal lessons to soon and with too much rigor.

Developing the disposition to read is more important than learning to read. Without the disposition there is no motivation to do or try anything new. Read to your child often. Go to the library. GET A LIBRARY CARD AND USE IT. Let your child make independent choices of books. Expensive book clubs are unnecessary. Used books are just as wonderful as new ones.

Let your child see you reading and writing. They need to see reading and writing in action by those around them that they love and trust. If you are a reader and you are using writing for a purpose your child will most likely be a reader and a writer. When we model and demonstrate our children learn.

Children’s play builds a large ‘brain’ bank of words. Children with a large bank have had rich language experiences that the brain can attach words to. David Elkind in his newest book, “The Power of Play: How Spontaneous, Imaginative Activities Lead to Happier, Healthier Children” places value in children’s authentic play as a springboard to developing literacy and other skills. “Play…serves not only as a means of building skills but also as a way of expanding and elaborating them.”

Symbol recognition: Early on children begin to ‘read’ their environment. They become familiar with restaurants and stores by the logo or ‘symbol’ that is used. This activity-of reading ones environment- is important as children build awareness of how we use symbols in the community. Children move into advanced symbol recognition (the alphabet) when ready. When we try and teach children how to read, to recognize symbols and the rules behind their meaning before the brain is ready the child can be left feeling awkward and inadequate.

Scribbling and drawing: Children must be given sufficient time and opportunities to scribble and draw. Provide unlined paper, crayons, colored pencils, chalkboards and chalk. I am personally not fond of markers because I don’t believe they build the motor strength in their hands and fingers as well as crayons and colored pencils do. Children like them typically but I would like to see a child have access to a variety of writing and drawing implements if they are using them. Don’t skimp on quality. A child will not want to return to an activity if the materials are flimsy and do not produce vibrant colors and marks. Provide a box with pens, paper, old envelopes, recycled (junk) mail, for the child to explore. As children put their first marks on paper they begin to associate meaning with symbols. At first it looks like a jumbled mess to an adult who must be very careful not to interfere. There are stages of scribbling that a child must pass through to strengthen the small muscles in their hands and eyes. Children eventually separate their ‘writing’ from their drawing. This is a significant milestone that I watch for as a teacher.

Journals: When my daughter was about 4 or 5 I bought her a journal. Each night I would write what she dictated about her day, the good stuff and the bad. She enjoyed watching me write what she told me. I would always read her words back to her. Sometimes she wanted to ‘write’ as well which I encouraged her to do. Sometimes she wanted to draw something. At age12 years she now keeps her own journal.

Movement and the vestibular regions: Movement is fundamental in developing the centers of the brain relative to reading and writing. Kids need to jump, spin, run, play, and be active.

Research does not support some of the current practices in many early childhood (preschool/Prek/kindergarten) classrooms using sedentary activities that include worksheets, memorizing facts and rote learning. Young children should have every opportunity to actively explore language through songs and rhymes, reading and writing using a variety of materials and tools, to have relevant experiences to attach words to, to develop the speech and language centers in the brain through creative play. Creative play, dramatic play, thematic play: all allow the child to develop mental images and story lines.

Above all, children need to see us reading. They need to see us deeply involved with a variety of reading materials. They need to see us crying, even sobbing over books. They need to see us laughing hysterically over something that we have just read. We need to read aloud to one another-passages from books, essays, poetry, and letters from friends. If children can get a sense of passion and wonder from us about words, stories, and books, they will want to read themselves. Even more tragic than someone who is illiterate is one who is alliterate; someone who has all the skills necessary to read and write but lacks the desire to do so. No part of this document may be used or copied without permission.

Sharing and Caring in Young Children

1/2008

The ability to share and take turns takes a long time to develop in a young child. We all desire for our children to be generous individuals. I don’t know any adult who wants to hear that their kid “won’t share”. We take this very personal. For young children, all the worlds’ focus is on ME. There is no doubt in the mind of young children that even the very forces of nature are somehow centered on them. To understand this we must try and place ourselves inside the mind of a young child and see what they are ready for and what they simply cannot yet do. Let’s consider the following analogies.

ANALOGY #1: You have just purchased a new car. As you drive you begin playing around with the lights, windshield wipers and sound system, making some mental notes of the differences between this vehicle and the last one. You’ll wait till later to read up on the navigational system and warranties. As you pull up into the driveway a few neighbors stroll over. As you get out of the car they begin to move closer to the car, running their hands over the rooftop and hood, they kick at the tires, lean into the windows and feel the upholstery. You carefully close the windows and lock up the car moving toward your front door with the owner’s manual in hand. Then you hear, “Can I drive it? C’mon, give me the keys. Just once around the block, OK? Let me drive it, too!” You politely shake your head ‘no,’ pointing to the owner’s manual and keep walking to the door. But behind your back you can hear, “Man can you believe that? He wouldn’t let us drive it. He let me borrow his lawn mower just last week. I can’t believe it, he won’t share!”

ANALOGY #2. You found a cake recipe in a magazine that you have been waiting to try for some time. You finally have a few spare moments and you begin. You gather all the ingredients including the last 3 eggs. As you write EGGS on the grocery list, a family member enters the kitchen and grabs the 3 eggs. “I’m using those,” you say.

“No, you’re not. I want to make myself some scrambled eggs.”

“I’m using those for a cake,” you respond, “ I need 3 eggs.”

“You didn’t have them in your hands, so, you’re not using them. I can take them because I need them. You need to share.”

Voices are beginning to rise when another family member enters. Someone with more authority it seems.

“(S)he won’t share”.

“But I’m making a cake”.

It goes back and forth like this for a while and finally the third family member says, “You need to share. That is what we do in this family. You’ll just have to figure something else out.”

You are handed one egg.

In both situations, you can feel some unfair reactions and responses to the main character. Imagine this is a 3-4 year old child. Children are egocentric. This is not the same as selfish or self-centered. They simply are the center of their own universe. In the first analogy the new owner has hardly had enough time to really ‘own’ the new car. What if someone gets into an accident? Or steals it? In the second analogy, although our chef was not holding onto the eggs physically, (s)he was certainly holding onto the eggs mentally. The eggs were a part of a plan.

This happens frequently with children. They have several toys set up. They cannot possibly hold onto all of them physically but they are certainly part of the child’s play scheme. When another child moves into the play the second player may or may not have the same understanding as the first child or what we call “shared understanding”. This again is where much conflict arises between children. One child has one idea and the other child has a different idea. Our goal is to help bridge this gap by allowing the first child to tell others what they are playing and what they expect from others. Others have the choice to contribute to the play or find another activity.

I have seen well meaning adults force children to share. But this is not sharing, it’s forcing the child to relinquish their own sense of power. Young children need to develop a healthy sense of power and control. This is different from having power OVER someone. Such as an adult taking something from one child and giving it to another and now “you’re sharing”. Developing a healthy sense of personal power enables a child to set healthy boundaries around him or herself. Children who are forced to share, forced to relinquish their own sense of power over and over again, develop a skewed sense of power, and can turn into our worst nightmare—a bully.

Providing children with opportunities to NEGOTIATE with one another over space and stuff is more effective and useful over the long term for everyone. It’s hard for young children to take turns. We have to set that up for them. Typically they cannot do that for themselves. They are simply too young to get it. In their minds if they had it yesterday or even a few minutes ago, it is still theirs. Even if they move on to play with something else and come back finding someone else with ‘it’, ‘it’ is still theirs, and boy, that can get ugly. No amount of reasoning will convince them otherwise. So, we need to help them.

“Ask him/her if you can use it when s/he’s done.” (But I want it)

“And I want you to have it. But ____ is using it right now. Do you want me to ask for you? I will if you need me to.”

This example provides both children with personal power. One child uses the toy until satisfied, which generally is a very short time. And the other knows that they will have it next.

Young children have an underdeveloped sense of time and ownership therefore the whole idea using something with someone or giving it up entirely is difficult. They think that if they give up something that it will either be changed in some way or it won’t come back. To a young child a day or a week can feel pretty much the same. If we want kids to become sharing adults we should not force them to share while they are so young. When playmates are coming, allow the child to put away toys that they may truly be worried about. Better yet, purchase some interesting toys, new or used. Place them in a tub. When the children arrive place the tub in the middle of the floor and say, “These are my toys and you can use them.” The toys are interesting and special to everyone and you are modeling kindness and sharing.

Remember, young children are not good ‘reader’s’ of body language or other social cues. They are still learning how to play near and with others, how to enter play with other children and how to sustain play over periods of time. These are incredible skills that take lots of time and practice to develop. I call this SHARED UNDERSTANDING: a level of understand where all parties are agreeable and/or with the same goals and ability to postpone one’s own needs for that of the group. Young children have very limited life experiences to draw upon. It is important for us to be patient, do not take sides, and help children develop ‘shared understanding’ over time.

We want the next generation of children to be kind and generous. Of this I have no doubt, and innately children are generous. But as adults it is our responsibility to be their fences and safety nets. When they see generosity abound in their homes and the community they are seeing what that means. When we engage them in meaningful experiences; helping a neighbor fix a flat tire, baking cookies for the new family that just moved in, we are providing them much richer experiences that they understand and can emulate in the future. No part of this document may be used or copied without permission.

In the Interest of Childhood

6/2008

“Security is mostly superstition. It does not exist in nature nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.” ---Helen Keller

I grew up in Michigan in the 50’s and 60’s-you know-the good old days. Every generation has their own perception of the good old days so you may now roll your eyes if you like. We played outside most of the time. Frankly, indoors was BORING and, if you were anywhere within eyesight of a grown up you were soon relegated to something we called chores. So we steered clear and spent most of our time outdoors even in the dead of winter (remember I said Michigan, same as FRIGID). We didn’t have much in the way of toys and entertainment that would keep us indoors anyway. Our swing was an old tire from my dad’s milk delivery truck tied to a heavy rope, which broke once and sent me crashing to the ground splitting my lip. My mother said, “It’ll get better by the time you get married.” It did. I had a bike and a pair of roller skates; the kind that are now in antique stores. We shared a wagon. My older brother was the best wagon puller in the neighborhood. Once, while one of his lucky passengers, the wagon flipped over into a fire hydrant. I split my head open that time. My parents didn’t believe in going to the hospital unless you were being born or dying. Seeing as I wasn’t doing either of these my dad used a pair of old scissors to cut away some of my hair and put a butterfly type of bandage on it. True to my mother’s word, it healed well before I got married.
My childhood was filled with made up games, hopscotch, jumping rope, sand lot baseball, tag, hide and seek and just plain running around and going crazy. The adults for the most part stayed on the outskirts knowing that we would be home by dinner or at least by time the street lights came on.
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that things have changed and childhood right along with everything else. While kids have great advantages these days the one thing that they don’t have is free time. Organized sports, technology, formal lessons and hours of homework compete for our children’s free time. I see the difference between my older sons, in their mid-twenties, and their sister who is twelve. As a parent, I am always trying to balance her busy-‘ness’ with the fact that she is still a kid and needs to be doing kid things as well as family things.
While growing up we didn’t have air conditioning to make indoors attractive or child predators living down the street. We knew where we could go, which was pretty much everywhere, and where the kids our age lived. There were undeveloped lots, ponds in spring to catch millions of pollywogs and trees to climb. The grown-ups kept a look out for every child although we never had the sense of being watched. Let’s face it we need to keep our kids close these days. As a result childhood is transforming into something as artificial as artificial turf itself (don’t even get me started on that one!). As our technology expands and adult fears regarding safety and success intensifies, childhood is morphing into something that resembles pre-Victorian times when children were treated more as miniature adults rather than as developing human beings. So what do we do? We need to have serious dialogue with our city planners and be pro-active. Ball parks and skate parks are only part of the answer. We all need to have access to natural surroundings. Parks and places for running, rolling in the grass, and climbing trees. Children need to have access to the outdoors, not in an organized way but actually in an unorganized, wild way. Over the past year I have seen at least 3 articles referencing the great work of Richard Louv in his book, “Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children from Nature-Deficit Disorder.” I read this book two years ago. It is on the top of my list of books everyone should read regarding chidren. This is one of many books that have been written in the past 30 years addressing the over-scheduling of children’s lives, the loss of childhood and its implications for our children and us.
Bugs, dirt, sticks, rocks are not horrible things. Dirty, yes, Horrible, no. My mother would simply hose us down at the back door then throw us into the tub to finish up the job. We place too much emphasis on keeping kids clean at the loss of real and necessary life experiences and exploration. Childhood was never meant to be clean and if it is then there isn’t much going on upstairs. We learn about balance from falling or near falling experiences. I was fascinated recently by an article which compared two toddler aged children. One child walked over uneven ground comfortably and with confidence while the other had great difficulty. The director of this program, a Professor in Brazil, told a visiting mother that her daughter was not developing the adequate information in her brain to understand balance because she was not being given access to uneven ground. During a family camping trip I watched as 3 children played with nothing more than pebbles, a small mound of dirt and small sticks stuck into the mound. They were absolutely filthy. One of the children said, ”You have to sing Happy Birthday to me now. Count to 17 ‘cuz that’s all you get.” You can’t duplicate this kind of learning and social interaction in any kind of laboratory or workbook.

Quoting from Louv:

“Modern life narrows our senses until our focus is mostly visual, appropriate to about the dimension of a computer monitor or TV screen. By contrast, nature accentuates all the senses, and the senses are a child’s primal first link of self-defense. Children with generous exposure to nature, those who learn to see the world directly, may be more likely to develop the psychological survival skills that will help them detect real danger, and they are therefore less likely to seek out phony danger in life. Play in nature may instill instinctual confidence.”

Children invent knowledge through their play. They discover their humanity, their connectedness to one another and their community. They learn language, science, math, and yes, even literacy. You have to take risks in order to learn and children’s play is all about risk taking. Through real, unabated play children learn about politics, taking turns, friendship, rules, commitment, fairness, and competition. In my own childhood experiences, we divided and re-divided into teams and tribes. We chased one another and were chased until we could chase no more, then, almost on cue, we collapsed on to the first grassy lawn we found and waited for the stars to announce that it was time to head home. We made up rules, broke rules and suffered the consequences of it all.

Somehow we must provide these same experiences and opportunities to our children. We can do this. We have proven our inventiveness and creativity time and again; it’s our wisdom that has me worried. The greatest gift we can possibly give this generation of children is their own childhood. We may have to fence it in a bit but I truly believe we can do it. The question is do we have the heart and determination?
No part of this document may be used or copied without permission.

TOYLAND
By Rebecca Tree

I’ll get right to the point. Shopping for children at this time of year comes with its own mixed bag of feelings sometimes ranging from excitement to just plain guilt. I’m not certain, but I believe that many advertisers and manufacturers spend their summer vacations dreaming up ways to move us from one end of the emotional spectrum to the other. It’s time to shut it all out, identify and own our personal holiday reality, and then live it. So here are my thoughts; First: pay attention to the recent toy recalls. You can get this information on line. Most major warehouses have had holiday merchandise stocked well before the whole recall fiasco began. I would like to think that they have resolved this however, as grown-ups, we are the ones who undoubtedly have to take the responsibility when it comes to our own kids.
Remember: Manufacturers spend a bundle to find out how to compete for your business. Since deregulation in the 1980’s manufacturers have developed many sophisticated advertising strategies aimed at every age group but especially our children and teens who are the most vulnerable. Talk to your children about how commercials are made to make us want certain things.
Say No! If your hunch is that this is not a wise purchase for your budget, sanity or your child then don’t do it. If your child is asking for something that you know is not appropriate than be honest. This can be done gently in simple terms, such as,”This is not an appropriate choice so please do not expect it. Let’s talk about some other choices.” Ensuring your child that there WILL be gifts is a good way to end the conversation. Do not feel guilty that you cannot buy everything they want. Wants are not the same as needs and learning about limits is extremely important as they grow older.
Many toys are based on certain children’s programs and encourage certain kinds of play. Ask yourself if this is how you want your child to play? If you are not big into the recent swash buckling craze then logically do not buy a sword and expect your child to do something different with it. I’ll never forget watching a mother presenting her son with such a toy. She turned to resume her conversation with her friend while her son removed the sword from the packaging. Next thing you know…wham…he knocks her in the head with it. Now we have an angry mother and a really confused kid.
Ask yourself some of these questions as well; “Is this age appropriate? Does it fit our family values or am I caving in? Does this support what I want my child to think about, learn about? How will my child play with this? Is that OK with me? Am I considering buying this because of my own personal fears regarding my child’s academic success or failure?” You get the picture. Also, ‘age appropriate’ is a pretty broad term. There are huge developmental differences between a 3 year old and a 5 year old for instance and even an 8 year old. Consider toys as an investment. Toys that can be added to and expanded on over the years fall into this category.
The simpler the toy the more creativity, imagination and brain power is required. Someone once said that a toy should be 90% child and 10% toy. The child should lead the play, not the other way around. Toys that are overly scripted from TV programs, etc. do very little to expand a child’s imagination. There is a difference between capturing one’s attention and capturing one’s imagination. Once a toys limitation is discovered the toy is quickly abandoned and boredom usually sets in. I love the book “Crispin: The Pig Who Had It All” by Ted Dewan. In the end Crispin discovers that the best gift of all is having good friends and perhaps a large appliance box. Toys may be battery operated, childhood is not. Be prudent and wise when buying electronic and other ‘clever’ toys.
There is no rule anywhere that says that a toy be purchased brand new. However, in light of recent recalls you may need to be cautious. In our family, cousins hand down toys to one another. Some of the best gifts that I have assembled and given are prop boxes, theme boxes of dress ups and props that the child uses for creative play. Some themes are; medical person, office worker, baker, fire fighter, etc. With a little imagination and some thrift store know how you can assemble these and add to them over time as well. For instance the office worker box can have an old computer key board, paper and pens, junk mail, old telephone, etc. And don’t forget the dress up part! A fire fighter needs an old vacuum hose and a plastic fire hat to start with. Another idea is an art/writing box. Unlined paper, crayons, water color paints, scissors (if age appropriate), hole-punchers, tape, scrap paper, etc. You do not have to add all of these items at one time. Have enough items in a safe place that can be rotated on a regular basis. I recently found some well made wooden vehicles at the Farmers Market. Holiday Markets are in full swing and offer many unusual and often overlooked choices. Limiting our purchasing choices to a few high quality items for our children will keep them from becoming over stimulated and over whelmed.
For a more in depth list of age appropriate toys by age go to the website for the National Association for the Education of Young Children, naeyc.org. Click on the link titled Choosing the Right Toys for Young Children.

No part of this document may be used or copied without permission. For a list of toys that have been recalled go to
www.cpsc.gov/cpscpub/prerel/category/toy.html
Happy Shopping.

GOT BOYS?

By Rebecca Tree

I love little boys. Not more than little girls but I love boys. I love watching them wrestling on the ground as they develop friendships with one another. I love watching them as they run all over the place yelling and whooping and stretching their skills as they become more competent social beings and stronger human beings. I really don’t know what all the recent fuss is about. Boys are noisy. Boys are naturally rowdy. They take up more space when they play. Not that some girls do or don’t, but typically, boys just have a larger presence when they play. Unfortunately in the last decade, society and schools in particular have been trying to ‘rework’ the nature of boys.

We have done remarkably well with our girls since we learned that they were lagging behind in math and science. In the last two decades we have worked extremely hard on ‘leveling the playing field’ for our girls. But somewhere in all this we forgot about our boys. There’s been a great deal of literature written in just the past 5 years regarding the social and emotional development of boys and how this gender difference impacts how they learn and interact. Much of the current literature focuses on statistics; boys are lagging girls in academic achievement and enrollment in colleges. They are ahead of girls though…in drop-out rates, are more likely to commit suicide, and use cocaine. Although there has been recent emphasis to pay closer attention to male development and needs it will take several years for statistics to catch up with current efforts.

Approximately one in eight American children is prescribed Ritalin. Most of them are boys. In fact most of the world’s Ritalin consumption, 85% of it, is here in the United States. The United States holds only about 5% of the entire world’s population. I find this staggering especially when we realize that the increase of Ritalin in children now stands at around 200%. Do we suddenly have an epidemic of hyperactive children, mostly boys, or do we have an epidemic of cultural and social intolerance to what used to be considered typical development?

Boys are not girls. So, get over it. We are in a time when most teachers and care givers are women and we now have a large population of single moms raising boys alone. So, having said that, we now need to educate ourselves regarding these male/female differences and provide the appropriate support for each.

Here’s a reality check…boys are cuddled less than girls as babies, mortality rates for boys is higher and are victims of violent homes at a 2 to 1 rate.

Brain scans and DNA tests show actual physiological and chemical differences between male and female brains. Boy’s brains are larger as a whole but with a smaller bundle of nerves that connect the right and left hemispheres. Girl’s brains are just the opposite. It doesn’t mean one is smarter than the other it means that we are wired differently. Girl’s brains cross talk more frequently between the two hemispheres while boy’s brains are wired for delayed response time. That means that boys think a little longer before they respond, either in words or action. Unfortunately, our hurried life style demands immediate responses and action in many cases. When overwhelmed the male brain goes into a panic state making the brain pause or rest. I’ve seen boys simply shrug their shoulders and say, “I don’t know,” or reply with something that they think we want to hear, just to buy time or get us off their backs. The more we yell or pressure them for a response the more their brains tune out. Boys need to hear less and do more physical activity around instruction in order for their brains to ‘make it real’.

Boys express their feelings differently than girls. Their feelings are expressed more physically than are girl’s feelings. They punch each other, wrestle with one another, and try to lift each other off the ground. All these things are a part of male bonding rituals. When my boys were growing up I can’t tell you how many times I had to tell husband and sons to “take it outside or buy me new furniture!” Bonding and attachment for all children must occur before age 5.

Boys engage in more aggressive play than do girls. There is a difference between aggression and violence. Sword and similar play, kicking games, etc. are not indicators that a child will be violent once in adult hood. In fact, new research is showing that violence can actually increase when we try and implement a ‘zero tolerance’ attitude towards this kind of play. Roughhousing is essential for bonding and friend shipping among boys. There is convincing evidence that this kind of physical activity not only completes some neurological needs but actually helps them academically. All kids need to feel powerful but especially boys. By providing toys that can be moved around in space such as wagons, small wheel barrows, buckets, short garden shovels and piles and piles of dirt, children can find real meaning, purpose and power. Boys need more space when they learn and need to move more objects around as they learn. Computer and electronic toys, although intriguing, only create vicarious experiences for our children. The do not provide real life, full body experiences that actually push information into the brain.

Boys need at least 3 strong male role models in their lives. I am talking about real live male role models not the TV variety. They need firm and loving adults to show them the way. Remember, firm is not the same as mean. Boys respond better to a firmer voice but certainly not to a shrieking one. Boys need time to solve problems. When they become overwhelmed they go into a ‘cave’ state. I will never forget my oldest son at age 20 as he struggled with a difficult decision. He and I had never had a serious argument before. Don’t misunderstand, it wasn’t a perfect relationship, I had to learn a lot along the way. It’s just that up until that point he never bothered to vocalize his feelings around any issues. He just put up with me, I suppose. In the midst of this very heated discussion he threw his hands up in the air and stomped off. The next day we were able to sit and talk about it. He told me that he had visited all of the military branches that morning, carefully considered all the options (which is what I wanted him to do), and then enlisted. And it was not with his original choice.

My oldest son, Mike, has been in the military now for almost 8 years and has recently told us that he intends to stay the duration till he can retire. This would not be my first choice for my son but I had to get over it a long time ago. I have 2 sons. Mike and Andrew are both in their 20’s, very different from one another but simply amazing. I cannot tell you how much I love and respect them. Have I been a perfect mom? Hardly. Most of this stuff I didn’t know about while they were growing up. But amazingly, it’s all turned out OK.

(Rebecca Tree is Founder/Director of Roots & Wings Child Development in Medford, Oregon. She holds a Bachelor’s Degree in Education with an emphasis in Early Childhood Education and classroom Management. She lives in Eagle Point with her husband and their 11 year old daughter, Cora, who is nothing like her brothers. For more information regarding boys; “The Wonder of Boys” by Michael Gurian, and “Boys Play” by Barb Wilson) No part of this document may be used or copied without permission.

No part of this document may be used or copied without permission.